I’m in the throes of creating a blogger who actually makes money from blogging – what a novel idea – and it did remind me I’ve not updated here for a goodish while. Oops. Between running holiday rentals upstairs through a growing minefield of official Spanish bureaucracy, wondering whether I’ll be getting a sixth foster dog (not six at once! I’m currently left with one, the ubiquitous Kim), still teaching English in twenty-two countries around the world, and idly planning huge changes for the next ten years while knowing everything could go tits up tomorrow, I’ve been busy. Life in Spain. Love it. 

 I’ve also been writing, of course, always, my happy place. Every book ever written has, or in my opinion should have, at least ten percent experience to be credible, a lot of research to be worth reading, and a massive dollop of imagination to be enjoyable. As a writer one does sometimes get bogged down in the research, or fall short on the imagination. Still, that’s why the title is about musing, because there is a lot needed for the current book. The challenge is not only the plot, and the setting, and a satisfactory conclusion, but drawing an angry obsessive man and a vague stubborn woman beyond social necessity, when life throws them together (inevitably, murder is the catalyst) into something that readers will root for – a non-relationship that works. Watch this space. 

Yup, non-relationship. After all these years of banging on about mature singles getting together. Thing is I’m one of the ever-increasing demographic of women who face they like men but not enough to live with one. Likely to live out my life solo, not generally too dismayed about it. IF the perfect man happened along, AND thought I was the perfect woman, yin to his yang, that would be very interesting indeed but the odds are pretty much a million to one. I am however enduringly fascinated by the way people, even the most extraordinarily mismatched people, can create working relationships, however unconventional some are, from a shared past which has changed its parameters, or from scratch. I’ve had a few. Some could have gone fulltime – decided against, instead wove what could have been into a book. Write what you know. But readers like happy endings, right? So the rest of this very long blog is all about musing and unless you’re older and single and also musing about the future you can go now, and thanks for popping by, take care xx 

Living in a largely ex-pat community made up of couples and singles, one becomes very aware that marriages which change after years of togetherness – such as retirement, planned early or involuntary, throwing couples together full-time – have new challenges, even for those who have decades together, and still have the rest of the road to travel. They are used to each other, certainly. Used to being exasperated by each other, too, but know what to expect, recognise each other’s moods and impulses, know how to irritate the hell out of each other but also how to make peace again. 

Starting over after fifty, after sixty, with someone new who is more than halfway through life, is way harder than it was thirty years earlier even though more people are marrying in the autumn of their lives than has ever happened before. Not for the same reasons – no babies, for starters, because we’re not talking about May December marriages, we’re talking both being at the very least September, sometimes October, often later. Well, there is ONE reason shared with May / December marriages. Money is usually a factor. None of our autumn lovers have vast amounts of it, as a rule. More a case of sharing resources, deciding which nest to sell and which to share. Shared pensions, for the already retired, will stretch a little further than one each. There’s company, too. Family has shrunk, and former offspring are busy with their own lives. Friends have moved or died or changed beyond what is comfortable. Health and mobility might start becoming an issue and unlucky the couple both having issues at the same time – normally they’ll be able to support each other through that. Take turns, almost. 

Don’t get me wrong, these are not the reasons foremost in the autumnal couple’s mind (apart from those determined to marry for financial security), but they are factors which simply don’t occur to spring couples. When you are alone, at any age, and meet someone congenial who fancies you, at any age, the rush is the rush. The sap rises, you are delighted, you bounce as you walk, your eyes brighten and the world is bathed in sudden colour. But new autumnal couples (whether alone for a while or suddenly facing life alone after years in relationships which have ended) find the biggest issue they have to face is compromise. LOTS of compromise. On so very many levels! He likes going to bed straight after the news, she is happiest nodding off in front of the telly and only heading to bed after waking up to go to the loo at two in the morning – or the other way round. Established couples take that in their stride as it evolves over the years. New couples have to get used to it. 

 As to what telly they both like to watch – don’t even go there. Control of the remote is one of the perks of being single. 

They both snore, that’s pretty much a given after middle age, so it’s a race to get to sleep first or lie awake resenting the winner. If the shared nest has two rooms, phew. Otherwise – an issue, until deafness comes to the rescue.

One of them may drink more, much more, than the other. One may even smoke, although that’s rarer the older both are. Chances are rare both are on the same page re social life, too. Each other’s friends …

Food? You practically need two fridges, and half the time would rather be eating different meals, or cooked different ways. He likes his steak blue and she likes hers indistinguishable from shoe leather. She likes long walks along the beach, he’s far happier pottering in the garden or little building projects – or, always in these examples, the other way round. She may have a cat and he a dog and they, too, have to share the new set up in uneasy détente. Some couples do get together simply to stave off a lonely future pinching pennies, on the sensible foundation of shared friends, shared habits, similar lifestyles, and they make it work, but make no mistake, tolerance, compromise, and more compromise, is their glue no matter how similar they are. 

 Of course this applies to friends too, we’ve all found that, there are subjects that we both accept are off the table even with friends who go back forever, like politics, or religion, or the books they like and you thought were trite, or pretentious, or so worthy as to be unbearably depressing. Still, you can restrict your time with friends, enjoy their company very much within those careful parameters, then go your separate ways until arranging the next meeting.

Older types who choose to extend this into going home together and considerately picking their way through the potential minefields 24/7 for the rest of their lives – not as easy as you’d think. The young have make-up sex to smooth over many of the cracks. The older you get, the less of a patch sex offers. For starters, half the time you’re having to stop to massage unexpected agonising cramps, or there are false starts, plus it simply doesn’t happen as often. Affection, hugs, shoulder rubs, light kisses, can become issues of their own. To some they are only ever a prelude to seduction so why bother if seduction isn’t on the table. When you’ve lived alone for a while, a spontaneous hug out of the blue from your new companion is delightful but why? What’s the agenda? What do you want? So the happiest couples are those who share displays of affection constantly, without agenda, but that’s a new habit to be built and maintained and when both have been single a while, it doesn’t come effortlessly. Yet to give up on something pretty good because they don’t tick every box . . . there’s a trend towards permanent relationships which aren’t full-time, not even romantic, but a bit more than friendship. 

 I wrote a series of whodunits (Grasshopper Lawns, links in the side bar, they’re absolutely brilliant, try one  😊) featuring four older protagonists who did achieve all the compromises necessary for ongoing unconventional relationships, and I have left them to get on with their lives before the inevitable onset of age presents challenges – failing hearing, failing eyesight, losing faculties, the rising inevitability of health issues. Nobody enjoys perfect health forever. They should make it, they’ve got each other for strong support and will cope. My other books have explored other characters getting close, soppy old romantic that I am. But now I’m thinking through a different, mismatched, sort of relationship, one that is non-romantic yet works, and it takes a lot of musing.  

Still here? GREAT! Any thoughts on the topic in the comments would be awesome!