Not a public troll. Not yet. I mean I’ve made the occasional unpleasant crack over the years and afterwards been a bit ashamed but hasn’t everyone done that – hand up, other hand on heart, can you say you haven’t? Ever? We all do it. Open mouth. Insert foot. Open mouth. Change feet. It’s not deliberate. When it’s deliberate … we’ve let the troll out.

Okay, I’ve been snide lately but never, so far, too far. People laugh, or look a bit uncomfortable, and the steam drops back to where I’m back in control. So far. But now – when I find myself having to delete what I just typed, be it comment on something posted, or an email, or a message, again and again, because I simply cannot leach out the bile: when I catch myself one  finger tap away from sending something so OTT in reaction to stupidity, or selfishness, or complacency, that I am shocked briefly back to normal: when I seek casual company, then catch myself whinging: and when, worst of all, the bile surges higher instead of the pressure abruptly dropping . . . this has to stop. I CANNOT be the only person refusing to let the troll out.   

There are causes, but they don’t excuse or even explain it – I’m so angry, but out of all proportion to any anger that would be appropriate. I’m, this is not helping, so isolated – the reliable people I could usually safely vent to are out of reach, all at the same time, some involuntarily, some caught up in their own problems, some I suspect keeping a safe distance. Perhaps just as well, since venting feeds this beast. I’m so unoccupied – my life is usually busy and full, superficial stuff to be sure, but time-consuming and distracting. The normal little inner troll, the critical one we all deal with, all the time, keeps saying I was and am so stupid. I know. Shut up. No-one asked you. The abnormal canker, the one trying to take over, rolls about with jeering laughter. I’m getting toxic and there’s a growing niggle that if I don’t let rip, I’ll self-destruct. There’s a limit on how much toxic bile any system can take. Press send, the troll urges, SAY it, it should be said. It MUST be said – or I will burn you to the ground.

The internet is crammed with advice on how to deal with trolls but nothing I could find on defusing the troll inside. I looked at anger management. The causes – tick tick tick, all there. Suggestions for dealing with it – ah, bless. Already doing them, way beyond them helping. I looked up inner trolls. That’s all about handling self-loathing, not about the clawed monster trying to get out and wreak havoc.

I actually do know what I want, a rational quarrel for a rational reason where shouting and clean-burning anger would be appropriate, so I suppose I am looking for a righteous fight. Any volunteers, anyone also needing a violent let-off-steam argument, any subject at all? Because I don’t want to be a troll.